Okay. Time for breakfast.
It's one for you...
...one for you, and one for me.
I got an orange star.
Hey, my yellow moon's nothing to scoff at.
- No milk? - Oh, I'm so sorry.
What is breakfast without some nice, cold milk?
Milk residue.
Why hold back?
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
Let us give thanks.
The pancakes, eggs and steak were delicious.
But I couldn't finish my bacon.
Yours looks delicious.
You know, it's really a shame to waste this nice, beautiful piece of bacon.
I love you both so much I'm not sure who to give it to.
- Please, Peg, give it to me. Please. - Give it to me. Me. Me.
I know who I love the best.
Come here, baby.
Well, gee, what was that for, honey?
I want that damn bacon.
Now, open your mouth. I'm going in.
- It's mine, now. - No, it's magically delicious, Daddy.
It's lucky. I need luck. I'm starving.
- Yeah, but you just ate Mom's breath. - I don't care.
- Hey, breakfast. - Bud.
Very nice. I know what you're all thinking.
Bud got all the brains and looks in the family.
What does he need food for?
Well, when I get my degree...
...from an accredited community college, I might add...
...I'll be the one with the Lucky Charms, my friends...
...and I'll be eating them out of Miss January's bra cups.
Here's to the future.
How many times do I have to tell you?
When you're through with the milk, fill it up again.
Did they ever find this Lindbergh kid?
See, how hard is that? Now we have milk for tomorrow.
You'd starve if it wasn't for me.
Did something die in here?
That would be me.
It's my new cologne. My own secret little recipe.
I call it A Touch of Bud.
Well, if anyone knew what a touch of Bud was, it could only be you.
And nobody does it better.
Sniff it, baby. Drink it in.
I went to the school library...
...I got Vogue, Sassy, Seventeen, Lear's and several other fine periodicals...
...and I cut out those little fragrance inserts, and voilą.
Bud, those are women's scents.
That's why I feel bold, sassy, yet feminine.
This year I'm gonna get me a babe.
All right now, that's enough.
Soon he'll know we're laughing at him, not with him.
Why does no one believe this year's different?
Oh, come on, Bud. Every year you come up with a different plan.
And every plan ends up with you going to the prom...
...with a sweater, putting it on the back of a chair...
...and telling people, "My date's in the bathroom."
I know that sweater. I used to see it sitting next to him at the movies.
You remember that one time he brought the sweater home for dinner?
Daddy kept getting so angry because it wouldn't come out of the bathroom.
Very nice.
Now you two have made him feel bad.
Well, all right, I'll take him out for some ice cream.
This is not a boo-boo.
Ice cream won't do it. I want a woman.
And "taking him for ice cream" does not mean going to Baskin Robbins...
...letting me look at all the flavors and then taking me home.
This time maybe I'll get you some free samples with that little plastic spoon.
I want a cone, damn it.
And a girl.
You hear? A girl, a girl!
That's right, Bud's starting his sophomore year.
Then it must be time for him to say:
"This year's gonna be different," eh, Bud?
It is. As God is my witness...
...this year there will be a real girl in the bathroom.
And her sweater will smell like real girl too.
Not Grandma.
Well, Peggy, I see that your son is having a crisis.
But do you have a second to help me out?
Sure.
Would you let Al go away on a fraternity reunion?
You know, there is a question that comes up every day.
Why, so many of Al's college clubs and professional societies...
...call him up to lecture, or just inspire the young.
So when Phi Beta Crapper calls...
Oh, you know what? That's right...
...Al didn't go to college.
What was it you chose instead, honey?
Selling shoes.
And nobody does it better, baby.
Except everyone else who does it.
Gee, I don't regret not having gone to college...
...because after all, then I might not have married you.
Then what would've become of me?
I would probably just lived a... An empty, meaningless existence...
...ordering hookers and pizza till I dropped dead...
...with a slice in my mouth and a greasy hooter in my hand.
Hey, that's amazing.
You just described the theme of our frat reunion party.
You're not going.
Oh, come on, Marcie. It's just good, clean fun.
A bunch of drunken guys looking at strippers.
And thinking of our wives.
Please.
Save your lies for those who think you're a natural blond.
Don't you think I know anything about fraternities?
Desperate girls, coming from everywhere...
...trying anything to land a college man before he becomes successful...
...and realizes he can get a much better and bustier girl.
Not that it wasn't fun for me.
Doing anything with anybody.
My once demure dress lying ripped and forgotten.
As forgotten as I was when the sun came up.
Jim, you bastard! Why don't you return my calls?
That was just a composite of other women's stories.
Well, your girlfriends are pretty accurate.
There is not a girl on earth that wouldn't do it for a fraternity guy.
Oh, and then after an incredible night...
...go back to your high school sweetheart...
...tell him he's the only one and plan the wedding.
Al, I was talking about my friends.
You're the only one, baby.
You too, baby.
All right, sure. There were girls...
...but that wasn't the only part of a fraternity.
There's so much more.
No, actually, that was it.
That's it. That's what I'm gonna do.
What? Get a picture of Mr. D'Arcy pasted to your face...
...and wear it to school?
No, human hand wash.
I'm gonna start me a fraternity.
And not just any fraternity.
The coolest fraternity any community college has ever seen.
We'll have so many college girls...
...Woody Allen will be knocking down our door.
Yeah. A fraternity.
And we're just gonna take the cream of the school.
Well, we're all here.
Cream of the school, right, guys?
I'd like to welcome all you members to the first meeting...
...of Alpha Gonna Get 'Em fraternity.
Remember our motto:
Looky, looky, we're gonna get some nookie.
We'll do good on our tests so we'll feel some breasts.
Now, if we can all join hands...
...for the Alpha Gonna Get 'Em secret salute.
Honk, honk.
Hi, Dad.
We're having sort of a secret ceremony here.
Not secret enough, son.
Now, Bud...
...remember when I told you that if you ever had any problem...
...you could come to your mother and I and talk about it?
Well, now please don't.
- It's a Greek thing, Dad. - Yeah, I know all about that.
The old guy knocked over our frat table.
I have seen him in my neighborhood convenience store...
...looking at nudie magazines.
He howls like a wolf and pinches the paper bazoombas.
Gee, I don't know if there's gonna be much room for us and the babes...
...with your father's car in our frat house.
Mr. President, you promised us we would be cool in a cool place.
Well, I'll tell you this.
I don't feel cool, my friend.
I think I speak for us all when I say:
I feel like pulling up my pants and going home.
Maybe we should all forget this fraternity...
...and do what my Dad does:
Stand underneath escalators and look up the dresses of fat women.
Nobody goes anywhere.
You know why? Because I'm gonna get us chicks.
How? Toga party, baby.
If you think we look cool now...
...wait till the chicks get a load of us in sheets.
We will be as attractive to women as my idol, the great Barry Manilow.
Now, that's the spirit that made our convenience stores great, Ahmed.
Guys, you can bet your virginity this is the last time you'll be honking air.
Honk, honk.
So, what movie would we like to see?
Why do we have to go out, Peg?
Isn't it enough I know I'm married to you?
Do we have to tell the whole world?
Oh, here's something we could all enjoy.
A fine foreign film about a young Peruvian girl...
...who lives in the rain forest and dreams of having a bicycle.
Any hooters?
It is a Francois Lu Max film.
He explores the mind.
Well, I prefer the Joseph Zipper production...
...of They Exploded Out Of Their Bras.
Now, Marcie, you might like that one. It's a film about women.
I wanna see a movie with Mel Gibson's butt.
I want sensitivity.
- I want killing. - I want boobies.
- Boobies, boobies, boobies. - Sensitivity, sensitivity.
Boobies, boobies, boobies.
Hi, pumpkin.
I haven't heard anybody chant that word...
...since me and my girlfriends were standing around...
...and this old guy in this Dodge drove by and...
Daddy.
Well, that must have been the time when Bud borrowed the car.
Hey, look, everyone, it's Dorf on Golf.
How's the party going, honey?
Let me put this way:
Mom, Mrs. D'Arcy, would you guys like to be the girls at my party?
If you do go, I won't call you Mom, okay?
I'll call you Red.
Well, I guess they've heard the legends.
- They might as well see the real thing. - Yeah.
Let's give them a thrill. How bad could it be?
They rejected you, huh?
- How about you, Kel? - You know what?
I'd be delighted to help.
Okay. For those of you who have never actually been this close to one...
...I am a girl.
Indeed.
Now, all girls want men, but before you get your hopes up...
...this is a man.
Now, can anyone tell me what this man has that you don't have?
- Ahmed? - Large ear lobes...
...which denote an enormous pleasure-giving masculine force?
- That's one. - What about caring and sensitivity?
Not in a guy, no.
Now, to continue the lesson.
Man.
Boys.
Kel, I think that'll be just quite enough.
No. Wait. One second. I'm not finished yet.
I'm Kelly Bundy, that's my opinion. Call me.
Thank you, Kelly Bundy.
As the song goes, she goes "duh" for the money.
Now, look, guys. Now, I may not know much about girls...
...but I do know this much:
If you put on a sheet, even one with horsies...
Which, by the way, Francis, looks just terrific on you.
- girls will come.
They will? They will.
Wait a second. I hear people now.
Guys, quick, look cool, assume honk positions.
Quite a grotesque little tableau, eh, Peg?
Yes, but at least they've got their pants up this time.
Is this what your frat was like?
Sure was.
Except there was girls, booze and a lot of fun.
Bud, honey.
I want you to look after Seven.
That is, of course, unless he'd cramp your style.
Come on, let's go.
Party hearty, guys.
I'd love to hang with you guys, but I got a date.
Later, gators.
Oh, come on, guys. Don't be down.
They say that there is a girl for every guy.
Of course, they just say that.
Look, let me help you the best I can.
Guys, there's no shame in being gay.
Come on, guys. She was only kidding.
If we were gay, the food would be better...
...and there'd be plenty of girls here making us dance against our will.
I am tragically disappointed.
This is supposed to be a party, but still no large heinies...
...have presented themselves to our honking hands.
Yeah. I joined this fraternity to relive my youth.
Well, I am. I wasn't getting anything then either.
Why, I could've gotten more tail playing bingo with Mom and her friends.
Do they play as we speak?
I have found that an old woman...
...is as grateful as a small dog when you pet it.
Just let me change my clothes and I'll give you something to pet.
Not me, you ninnies.
I'm talking about girls.
My dad may have taken the chips...
...but we still have the dip.
And I'm gonna go get us the hooters to go with it.
Double word score.
"NBC" is not a word.
It's a word. It's just not a network.
- Where is everybody? - They went home.
Ahmed and Francis were bored...
...and Gus said his prostrate was flaring up.
I can't believe this. I got girls. Great ones.
But they're expecting fraternity guys.
I can't lose these girls, I just can't.
Oh, Bud? Where are the guys?
We wanna dance.
They'll be right there.
And they'll be some dancing fools too.
Hey, Bud?
How did you get these girls to come?
I took your advice, Kel. I told them we were gay.
Did you tell Dad and Mr. D'Arcy?
That's something for each man to discover on his own.
It's sweet that they found each other.
I'm warning you.
I'm gonna show you all it takes is a good woman.
Well, I've tried.
I could never find a girl who could excite me.
Although you do, a little.
Well, how can we make it a lot?
I don't know. I'll think about it.